Thursday, December 31, 2015

Looking toward beauty, looking back with thankfulness

New Year's Eve marks an important anniversary for me. For my heart it represents a line in the sand. I stepped forward into the year 2004 feeling the gift of time that had been given to me.  I've gathered two blog posts that I wrote on New Year's Eve 2008 and 2013, five and ten years past my New Year's Eve of 2003.


December 31, 2008
 
Five years ago I was 25 with a three-month-old son and I was told that the I mole I had removed was melanoma. It changed my life forever. Today, New Year's Eve, is the five year anniversary of when I had my surgery--a sentinel node biopsy plus removing the area around the mole to see if the melanoma had spread. Every year since then, I start each year with profound thankfulness. Five years feels even better. 

Medically speaking, two years and five years are milestones for cancer survivors. I am thankful to pass those markers, but I also know that God is the ultimate holder of my statistics, each of my days here on earth have been numbered long before I was born.

I often ponder how different my life is now because of my cancer experience. When I had my five-year check-up two weeks ago, the doctor left the room, and I just started crying. I left the building, got in my car, and started bawling. Tears of joy. The happiest tears I had cried in a very long time. So thankful to be given another day, another year.

What have I cried out to God the most in the last five years since God preserved my life? To be able to stay home and raise my kids. To raise kids who love the Lord. At that time I only had one son. My family talked about what he would be like next Christmas at one-year-old, and I smiled outwardly, but inwardly wondered if I would be around next Christmas. 


Now, we have three amazing children. After our son, we adopted two beautiful daughters--every day they amaze me. I have been given such a great privilege to stay home with them, teach them, play with them, love them, learn from them, and be amazed at what God is doing in our family.

God allowed me to see what really mattered--I think my contentment in being a stay-at-home mom is largely because I faced the possibility of not being around at all. My life is rich. This New Year's Eve, I'm home celebrating with a cheese fondue dinner, no-bake cookies, snuggling with our three-month-old, smiling daughter, chatting with my son, listening to giggles from our three-year-old daughter, and watching a movie with my wonderful husband. This is the only place I'd want to be.

There is so much I could say about this, but I'll end with the first verse I read after finding out that I had melanoma: "Don't be afraid," he said, "for you are deeply loved by God. Be at peace; take heart and be strong!" Daniel 10:19 NLT


December 31, 2013

When my son was a baby and I would take him to the grocery store with me, gray-haired patrons would OFTEN stop me to ooh and awe over him, and then (without fail) remind me to cherish these years because they end in a flash. So very true. I hope I have honored their sage advice spoken from their life experience.

On this day, 10 years ago, I was scared to death. Early in the morning, leaving my 3-month-old son with my parents, my husband and I headed to the hospital for my surgery. Several weeks before, I had been informed that a mole that had been removed was melanoma. Since I had been pregnant when it developed, they didn't know how fast it had spread. The surgeon was removing a large chunk of area around where the mole had been as well as removing lymph nodes to check if the cancer had spread from its original site. I've journaled, blogged, and reflected about this time in my life each New Year's Eve for the last 10 years. 


Many events change a life, but this one was a doozy. And really, I wouldn't change it. I saw God's hand and felt His presence through it. It has directed the course I have taken as a wife and mom probably more than any other factor. That's not to say that I didn't battle tremendously with the fear, hurt, and anger at facing this at 25 years of age, but I see how He's used it in my life. He was and is faithful.

So today, I am thankful. I have been gifted TIME. Time to be a wife and a mom, time to be a sister, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece, aunt, and a friend. I don't feel like I always use my time the best, I feel unworthy and inadequate often, but always there is a thankfulness for being able to be here. The journey is not easy, but worth it. Ten years later I can say that I have continued to engage with the Lord. I may cry, question, yell, fear, doubt, and hurt at life sometimes, but I walk with Him. Not because I'm so great, but because He is. My heart's desire is to continue with Him--walking, running, leaping, limping, skipping, crawling, piggy-backing, or being cradled...whatever it takes.

The old hymn "In Christ Alone" has popped into my head. I love the whole song, but will highlight the beginning and the end...



"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm



What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

...From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny



No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand"
wet, bedraggled, and laughing on the Grayson Highlands in Virginia
December 31, 2015
Today is a spectacularly normal day. Bright blue skies and frigid air and temps. I will have three to four cups of coffee. I will go for a run. I will probably clean my house, I will listen to my kids chatter and play and argue and sing (Belle is currently singing a Latin Christmas song while playing by the Christmas tree), I will soak it up because it is all so beautiful. We will spend time with friends tonight and then return home to ring in the New Year. My husband will not tell me to go to bed because it is the one night a year I am entitled to stay up as late as I want. Can you tell we disagree on this sometimes?? He loves me anyway. 
My theme for the year has seemed to center around the "beautiful mess" that is life. There is nothing pristine about the days I walk in, but I'll take them, every single one of them. 

I believe to the core of who I am that joy and beauty can be found wherever you find yourself this New Year's Eve. That does not mean life is perfect, that does not mean that hardship and tragedy can or should be glossed over in a fake sort of happiness that is neither genuine nor realistic. It's just that God is good, He is active and moving, He has purpose, gives beauty and joy, and radiates love and grace into this shambled world. He has never wasted anything that I've walked through, He has been faithful and patient and loving and present through more yuck than I can say. To journey through this life with my Lord is worth it and there is no other way to do it.
May you all have a, joy-filled, beauty-infused New Year's Eve and start to the New Year!
 ...and a few shots from our Isle of Palms beach weekend...it's always a good day on the beach



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My husband and two friends have an annual New Year's Eve snowshoeing expedition that they take each year. I call it the Arctic Expedition. They had a blast this year and as usual it was very cold and very windy. Nothing has quite compared to 2013, so I pulled the blog post from that expedition below, just for fun.

Arctic Expedition, December 31, 2013

Now onto the snowshoeing excursion which was more like an Antarctic expedition simulator. 

Here's the estimated data: 
  • a hike to Lake of Glass which sits at timberline (between 11,000 and 12,000 feet above sea level)
  • 8 miles round trip
  • pelting snow
  • 13 degrees with negative 8 windchill
  • 50-100 mph gusts of wind
  • some gusts being more constant than gusty

With these three guys that equals FUN. More or less anyway. Shaun said at one point he physically couldn't move his leg forward because of the wind's force. Mark lost a glove that was whipped off his person to unknown parts. With the wind at their back, they could practically fly :-). Jeff shot some video because the pictures couldn't quite capture the intensity. None of them had ever experienced such wind and they would be what you would call "outdoorsy" guys. Anyway, they had a blast, with much shared laughter and a growler of Coop's beer to drink at the top. It was epic (the wives will laugh at the stories, while shaking our heads in consternation).

After surviving Antarctica, the guys drove through the flood-ravaged valley and town of Glen Haven. The roads have been rebuilt, but many of these new roads are temporarily dirt. The dirt roads show where the floods completely demolished the previously paved highway. The devastation is unbelievable. 


As they rounded a curve, the tires hit ice sending the car into a slow spin. The momentum of the spin seemed too great to even think they would stop before the front tire dropped over the edge, sending them rolling into the river below. In the moment they each were rapidly calculating how they were going to get out of the car once they rolled. But then the car stopped...less than a foot from hitting the edge. Like an angel stuck a wedge under the tire, no joke. 

Praise the Lord for His protection!

Saturday, December 12, 2015

paralyzed...wills and will nots this December (plus our fave movies!)


Several days ago I sat on my bed and I felt...paralyzed. I looked at the copious amount of clothes on the floor, clean and dirty. I thought of my kitchen that was not what one would call clean. I inwardly panicked at the school that I felt I needed to do and wasn't doing with the kids. And my mind ran on...gifts, baking, cards, calls, texts, email, blogs, invitations. I battled myself on how much I could possibly do in each of these categories. I want to do so much, but I crave simple. I feel guilty when my own expectations fall at the feet of reality and exhaustion.

So, I've been thinking about what I will do and will not do as December days roll through.

I will buy most of my Christmas treats at Trader Joe's. I don't necessarily enjoy baking, but it always feels like it's some sort of holiday rite of passage. If the fancy strikes me, then I will, but no Pinterest binge ambitions for me. Today D and Cece are baking granola and Belle and I are making porcupine meatballs (they are not made of porcupine meat...I had to clarify to my girl...).

I will try to keep the house "neutral." I can't keep up with Christmas and my normal home, so I will give myself grace. I may not entertain like I would like, but that can wait until January. December doesn't have to be the social pinnacle of the season.



I am not writing Christmas cards or taking Christmas pictures. Just too much. We left most of our ornaments in boxes this year. I LOVE my ornaments, but again, to simplify, this will go. We are de-junking before January but stopping when it feels overwhelming. 

We are reading lots of picture books and I am mostly just re-reading books I love. We are playing games. This afternoon I read Belle Mortimer's Christmas Manger by Karma Wilson. We love this sweet story. Then she requested Candy Land and although I inwardly cringed I took the ten minutes to play a game with my sweet girl. In my defense, I have played games of Candy Land that have taken near an hour and nearly cost me my sanity.

We're going to watch a lot of Christmas movies. We love them. We have our favorites (see list at bottom) and we find new ones we like. We snack, we snuggle, and we work on fun projects or gifts while we watch. What's on tonight you ask? WHITE CHRISTMAS. Best movie ever and the kids have joined in with me in requesting it.

We want to laugh more. This afternoon, we had a frowning Belle walk into our bedroom, shoulders slumped:

"Mommy, I made a mistake." (a resigned sigh)
"What did you do?"
"I broked this candy cane from the tree."

"How did it break?
"Well...I was scratching Barzi's back
(our dog), and then it just broked in half!"

[insert me glancing at my husband, trying to not crack a smile, but dying inside]

No punishment necessary because she did come and confess and didn't just nab the candy cane and cover it up. She was hoping to eat the broken candy cane, but we declined her request.

So, anyway, I personally am going to try to let more things roll off. Laugh. Snicker. Giggle.

We want to take the time to chat with neighbors, talk on the phone to those we love, meet for coffee, be kind to the frazzled holiday workers and shoppers and savor the time with each other in our home. Knowing we cannot connect with everyone we would like to, but trusting the connections that are set in front of us.

I suppose my overall feeling is that I'm not going to do December perfectly and it won't be stress free. We will take each day and moment and trust God in how it plays out. There will be things dropped and left undone, but I hope that it will yield a peace that we did what God called us to, in the big and little moments of this Christmas season.


p.s. I've loved the devotional Savor: Living Abundantly Where You Are, As You Are by Shauna Niequist. I've especially appreciated her December entries. Exactly what my heart had been feeling and needed to hear.
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Christmas movies!
My favorites: White Christmas, Sound of Music (played on TV every Christmas growing up), and While You Were Sleeping
 
My husband: It's A Wonderful Life (not much of a movie watcher, but I made him choose. And I quote: "That's the only Christmas movie I like except Mistletoe Delight, you know, the one about the girl who..."[and he continues with his exaggerated description]. He gets a little snarky sometimes...but we laugh. And for the record I have never made him watch any movie with this title. Close, but not exactly.

D (age 12): The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe; Mrs. Miracle; Call Me Mrs. Miracle

Cece (age 10): Dear Santa, A Princess for Christmas, Samantha: An American Girl Holiday

Belle (age 7): Frozen, Rise of the Guardians, and Arthur Christmas

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Christmas reads..."Tis the Season!


I'm a sucker for seasonal advertising/products of all sorts. My husband says that all such advertising was created especially for me (and personalities like mine). It usually starts with the acquisition of all things pumpkin and cider and now we're on to gingerbread, cinnamon, and cocoa.

My kids make fun of me because my most commonly used phrase for food and activities is “'Tis the Season!” We soak, savor, and roll in the season.

I also love Christmas movies, books and novellas. I've already overdosed my husband on Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. He tries unsuccessfully to avoid rolling his eyes and mocking said movies that he graciously agrees to watch with me. For example, to quote my sweet and tolerant husband, it goes something like this: “Wait, are they going to get together? No way. I didn't see that coming. Oh, but first she has to realize that the guy she is with is not so great, and that she wants something more than success. But she'll make a choice to go back to her old life, but reconsider quickly...” And it goes on. Sometimes I indulge him and we mock them together. He's always on guard when I start a sentence with, “Did I ever make you watch...?” Make being the key word.

Movies will be saved for another day, but here are books I enjoy each season:

Finding Father Christmas and Engaging Father Christmas by Robin Jones Gunn—I love all books by Robin Jones Gunn and I enjoy this duo each season. A young woman's search for her father, an English village at Christmas time, a story best enjoyed with scones and a pot of tea.

A Redbird Christmas: A Novel by Fannie Flagg—I can't recall who pointed me to this read several years ago, but I enjoyed it so much I bought it. Quirky, captivating, hilarious, and heart-warming, this book features Mr. Oswald T. Campbell who upon hearing that he had only months to live, heads from Chicago to a small town “...deep in the southernmost part of Alabama.” It's fabulous, that's all I can say.

The Bridge by Karen Kingsbury—It all starts at a bookstore in Nashville--a couple ministering through books, a man losing hope, and a friendship torn apart through deception. I love this read because I believe there is magnificent beauty in an ordinary life lived for relationship. We can change the world, one interaction, one word, one moment at a time. It matters. I have also seen in my life how powerful a good book can be...for wisdom, empathy, strength, comfort, so many things.

A Wreath of Snow: A Victorian Christmas Novella by Liz Curtis Higgs—Liz Curtis Higgs does historical fiction so very well and this novella is no exception. A wounded, hurting family and a man desperately seeking forgiveness are thrown together on Christmas Eve, 1894 in Stirling, Scotland. Best enjoyed on a gray and snowy evening with a steaming pot of Scottish breakfast tea and a piece of Scottish shortbread (sneak a peak in the back of the book for a recipe).

A Marriage Carol by Chris Fabry and Gary D. Chapman—No disguise here, a couple headed for divorce is given the gift of seeing their past, present, and future.

The Christmas Bride by Grace Livingston Hill—I wasn't sure when I started this book. Being an old book (published in 1934) the style is different than what I'm used to. On the other hand, only the best books survive 80 years after being published. Set in Chicago in the 1920's, Gregory Sterling is a man of character and you can't help but like him. I was smiling and laughing and yes, even crying in spite of myself.

I have also enjoyed Christmas books from the “Love Finds You...” series including Love Finds You in the City at Christmas, Love Finds You in Frost, Minnesota, and Love Finds You at Home for Christmas. The titles are such that you might be tempted to hide a copy you are reading under a pillow, but I thought they were well-written, sweet Christmas reads. If it bothers you to be able to guess what might happen, then they might irritate you. I love watching the journey characters take, and with all that we see in the news every day, I can sure use a God-honoring story with a happy ending.

Treasures of the Snow by Patricia St. John—If you want a FANTABULOUS read-aloud for your family this Christmas season, this is the one. Written in 1948, set in Switzerland, the author felt that her country needed a story to illustrate the power of forgiveness after the horrors of World War II. I recommend making “gingerbread bears” decorated with white icing to eat while you read this soul-stirring book.

Happy, happy reading!