can I choose you?

Many evenings as we put our kids to bed, we're done. "Done" being a universal code parents use when they feel like they cannot do one more thing. One more question, whine, mess, request, anything will tip the scale to results that will be nothing resembling pretty. My husband and I don't like this about ourselves. We know we live in days which are very long, and years which are very short. My husband and I talk often of finding the balance between taking the "brain space" we need in the evenings without putting a wall up towards our kids. Boundaries are good for their life, but we can draw the lines too sharply at times. Balance. Illusive, yet worth striving to find as our parenting seasons change.

Several nights ago, I was tucking Belle into bed and she requested a story. Our dialogue went something like this:

Belle: "Please can you read me a story? Just me? Just one book? Please?" (She pleads quite well with her big chocolate brown eyes.)

Me: "Not tonight, time to sleep."

Belle: "Oh, please!?"

Me: "Okay, just one."

I grabbed Horace off of the girls' bookcase and read this very sweet story to my very sweet girl. I love this book. It tells the story of a leopard cub adopted by a tiger family. One day, he sets off to find a family that looks like he does. He finds a family playing in the park and spends the day with them, but realizes that just because they look like him, it does not make them his family. It's a beautiful story of adoption, displaying that families do not have to look the same to be designed perfectly.

I love my kids so very much. They call themselves chocolate, caramel, and vanilla. It is their normal. I can't imagine having a daughter who looks like me and I wouldn't want it because I wouldn't have my two beauties. I tell them often how very glad I am that God chose them especially for our family. I want them to rest in that truth. Knowing God sovereignly hand-picked them to be with us. Not just for their sake, but for ours. I don't know where we would be without them.

Belle was thoughtful as I read her Horace. In the middle she said, "I never wanted a new family." Sweet words for my heart.

When I finished and I was tucking her in (again), she looked at me and said, "Hey mom, can I choose you as my mom every single day?"

I would love that.

We bought this leopard for Belle when she was born. When she first learned to talk, she named it "Beppo" because that was as close as she could come to "leopard." Sweet memories.

i'm loving...these books

Books come in all flavors and I crave different flavors as I wade through the stream of moments that become my days, weeks, months, and years. Right now, I've needed some soul encouragement, and I've loved these three books.

I've mentioned Bittersweet before, but I'm still loving it. It's written in more of a vignette form, so I can sit down and read several sections when I have a few free minutes. I like how Shauna Niequist writes, but I also like what she writes. And as an aside, if you have struggled with infertility and miscarriages, I'd grab this book in a heartbeat (or for loved ones). It's a collaboration of so many stories and topics, but this theme has stood out to me. That particular struggle is not one I have faced, but I have still appreciated what she has written. I don't want to put this book in a box by mentioning only one topic, so I'll say this book would be for any woman who is dealing with this beautiful messy life...so everyone (in my opinion...whatever that is worth!). I've been stewing in some bittersweet brew, so I'll say again how much I've appreciated this book.

 

My sweet friend pointed me toward this read saying that it sounded like my kind of book. I read the title and description and then hopped on Amazon and ordered it (thank you Amazon Prime). This is kind of my mantra, finding beauty and joy where I live each day. Blooming where God has planted me, but resting in hope for what He has beyond today. I have an adventurous heart that has been stunted and disgruntled with discontent as of late. So, this book has been a gift to my hurting heart. I haven't connected with the practical parts of the book as much, but I would consider her tips and ideas good ones, just not new to me personally. However, when Sarah Mae speaks to the heart of our struggles and dreams and hopes, and connects those to a loving, engaged and present God, I'm listening. In the midst of Cheerios and laundry and squabbly messes, I can still find joy and beauty and I can rest in a God who sees, who knows, who cares, and who has not forgotten me.

Do you love Jane Austen? Then you will LOVE this. When I'm dealing with a lot of stress and battling anxiety, I can't read contemporary fiction. It makes me feel frenetic and crazy. I have to go back to the classics (or those handful of books which have been read and re-read countless times). Published in 1855, it is not a book about the American Civil War as I originally thought (before I knew the publishing date...I do know my history dates, at least that one!). It tells the story of a young woman who moves with her parents from Southern England to the industrial North. The BBC made a miniseries from this book that is positively lovely lovely lovely. I love old books because they have stood the test of time. The rubbish has ceased to be published and only the best literature has survived. I often wander what books will be read from our time 100 years from now. The writing is complex and intellectual, unlike most fiction found today, and the fact that I must concentrate on what I'm reading helps pull my scattered brain from all that flits around it, unanchored and disorderly. I'm savoring this read.

School is around the corner. Yay! And, sigh. Trusting God for the adventure He has for my family this year!

summer goals~100 books

 

So, my almost 12-year-old is continuing his march toward reading 100 books for this summer. The deadline is the real end of summer, September 21st-ish and he thinks he'll make it. His base goal was 75 books by the end of summer vacation, somewhere in the mid-August vicinity. 

I asked him to pick five favorites (a tall order as he loved many of these titles and did not find one that he loathed). 

Drumroll, please! (descriptions given courtesy of D..."idiomatic" may have been my word, but D dictated the rest...)

1. Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain--classic, adventure, history...he devoured it.
2. Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone by J.K. Rowling--magic, adventure, special powers, mystery, friendship...
3. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster--an adventure with lots of idiomatic fun (expressions, sayings, play on words, and idioms)
4. Emily's Runaway Imagination by Beverly Cleary--a story set in the early 1900's on a farm, Emily is creative, energetic and imaginative...
5. Eric Liddell by Janet and Geoff Benge--story of a missionary to China who was also one of  the greatest runners. He honored God with his whole life...

bittersweet...the stuff of life

I've always been one to read five to ten books at a time. Sometimes each and every book option looks like moldy leftovers. Like yesterday. 

I've not been functioning very well. Angry, sad, overwhelmed, indifferent...sounds lovely, right? Last night, I needed space in the worst way. Physical space, brain space, emotional space...space of all kinds. I'd call it an "introvert emergency" resembling a volcano or deep fissures and fractures beneath the earth's crust.

I hate feeling this way. I scanned my book options offered in my myriad of piles and shelves around my house. I saw this book and knew. Bittersweet. Was there a better word to describe what was happening in my heart? Some bitter, some sweet, and whole lotta overwhelmed. I'm not really into zombie literature (I just can't, I'm sorry...the adulteration of Pride and Prejudice sealed the deal), but if I were into zombies, I think I could relate with the characters. My life feels hazy.

I grabbed Bittersweet, brewed some Celestial Seasonings white pear tea and headed to my beloved front porch. I read as my porch swing swayed gently, soothing my fractious heart. The writing met me. God used her words to calm my spirit that would not settle.

So many passages spoke to my heart. I'll relay her thoughts on waves (the ocean/lake kind) which I found very timely as I wrestle with change in my life and lives around me.

"...if you try to stand and face the wave, it will smash you to bits, but if you trust the water and let it carry you, there's nothing sweeter....If you dig in and fight the change you're facing, it will indeed smash you to bits. It will hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you.

"Every wave presents us with a choice to make, and quite often, unfortunately, I have stood, both resolute and terrified, staring down a wave. I have been smacked straight on with the force of the water, tumbled, disoriented, gasping for breath and for my swimsuit bottoms, and spit onto shore, embarrassed and sand-burned, standing up only to get knocked down again, refusing to float on the surface and surrender to the sea.

"There were also a few glittering, very rare moments of peace and sweetness, when I felt the goodness and familiarity of people who loved me, when God's voice sounded tender and fatherly to my ears, when I was able to release my breath and my fists for just a moment and float. And as I mine back through my heart and memories, I notice something interesting: the best moments of the last few years were the very rare moments when I've allowed these changes to work their way through my life, when I've lived up to my faith, when I've been able even for a minute to see life as more than my very own plan unfolding on my schedule, when I've practice acceptance, when I've floated instead of fought, when I've rested, even for a moment on the surface instead of wrestling the water itself. And those moments are like heaven." 

~Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: thoughts on change, grace, and learning the hard way, p. 15, 19

I agree with Shauna: "Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and calluses on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity. It's courageous, gutsy, audacious, earthy."

So, I guess you can say I like this book. I'm off to enjoy a rare evening of peace and quiet (meaning that I am in my house ALONE.) Can you hear the Hallelujah chorus? Well, I can't because my house has a pristine silent melody going on.

I'm most definitely not out of my funk, but God is at work. I'll pray for grace to stop fighting the waves.

summer moments~mountain meadows

summer mish-mash

I know, you haven't heard from me in awhile. I have lots of excuses. Included in those excuses would be the words "crazy" and "freight train." A friend of ours was giving announcements at church and while welcoming everyone said something to the effect of, "Remember when all of those summer things looked like a great idea a month ago? And now it's more like, 'what were we thinking?!'" Yeah. I get that.

starting the morning right...coffee in fresh mountain air tastes better than about anything...

While I'm at it, why do house projects seem like a good idea in the summer? Some people like the process of projects. I don't. I like planning them and I like when they are finished. The rest is Purgatory and I have lines from this book running through my head.

Also, this week we said goodbye to dear friends and sent them with our love and prayers to Tokyo. It was rough. My so very sweet son wanted to cheer me up so he took me to a movie and said he would pay for the movie and whatever snacks I wanted. LOVE HIM. We saw Inside Out. SO good. I was pretty much crying the whole time (I may be a little on edge). I'm not talking silent, peaceful cry. I'm talking silent, super ugly cry. The kind that almost hurts to keep in and the kind where you're glad you are in the very back of the movie theater sitting in the dark. Cece said, "I knew you were crying." Anyway, a great family flick. My husband loved it too. He was cracking up and there is nothing I love so much as to hear him laugh.

What else? We swim, we walk, we read, we don't cook, lots of normal stuff and the days fly. Can it be near August already? We have frolicked in our mountains, kayaked, fished, hiked, ATVed. We took an impromptu detour to the Sand Dunes--spontaneity feeds the soul sometimes. This summer has walked briskly when I've wanted to stroll. We've hit hard and good, stressful and joyful. We'll take it all from the hand of God.

Am I in Africa? Not going to lie, I wished for a camel on several occasions.

Last week, I bought this book simply because it was pretty. Don't judge. I may have a new addiction to Penguin Threads. A copy in hand is even prettier than this picture can portray.

I was craving some teenage angst and grabbed The Stepsister's Tale by Tracy Barrett and Little Blog on the Prairie by Cathleen Davitt Bell. I really liked The Stepsister's Tale (Don't let the cover art discourage you, I felt it to be an inaccurate representation). I don't tire of fairy tale re-tellings, but they are not all created equal by any means. I thought this version to be unique and lovely. The story felt akin to the movie Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister which I enjoy (present tense) greatly. The movie is based on the book by Gregory Macguire which I have not read. I'll read Little Blog on the Prairie next.

free range kids...I saw visions of the Canadian frontier as they ran

The kids and I (D included) devoured When Calls the Heart (season 1). Set in the Canadian frontier, it doesn't much resemble the Janette Oke books that inspired the series, but can call itself a kindred spirit to Christy and Little House on the Prairie. We'll be watching season two shortly (FYI season one is on Netflix.) The kids haven't watched many television series and when D watched the first show and it ended in a "cliffhanger" (new vocabulary word) as shows are wont to do, he was offended. It went something like, "What!?!?" along with another exclamation about how "they" could do such a thing. I was laughing.

Ahhh, unfiltered sunset (from a moving car no less!)

I know all this is random. My brain is a little bit scrambled. Mish-mash, but an ordained mish-mash. Summer has not been what I have thought, but has held great beauty also. I pray that you all take each mish-mash day from God's hand, whatever it brings.

This land I love...

I'm thankful. So very thankful. I sat on my front porch this morning and sipped my coffee. The temperature was rising in typical 4th of July fashion. I looked around my neighborhood and just felt blessed. I don't think our country is perfect, far from it. We are strong and we are weak, we have great spirit and vibrancy, and also great depravity. But have no doubt, we are blessed.

I specifically remember sitting in my bedroom as a young child and wondering why I was born in the United States and not in China or some other country. That's not to say that I felt my life superior in the indifferent snobbery sort of way, but I knew that life was harder--governments lacked stability and conscience, opportunities and education sometimes scarce, Christians persecuted, girls so undervalued that they were drowned in rivers. Deep thoughts for a young heart, but even then, somehow I knew. I was born to great privilege and freedom and prosperity. And I'm not speaking simply of physical materialism. I am privileged in the potential before me, I have prosperity of the soul and heart, I operate with freedom to live my life, unheard of still in many of our world's countries.

Why did God place me here and not in India or Russia or the Middle East or the thousands upon thousands of places in the world? I don't know. But I do know He doesn't make mistakes (and that goes for every person in the world). And, I believe that "to whom much is given, much is required." The gift of being born in this country is not for me to use however I see fit without thought to anyone or anywhere else. Until my dying breath, I pray I can honor and obey and love and serve God in the corner of the world He placed me. And trust His hand if He leads me elsewhere.

God Bless, America!

p.s. We saw "the real Statue of Liberty!" (as Belle says) last fall. Amazing. I would go again in a heartbeat.

view from the ferry

Freedom Tower/skyline view from Liberty Island

audio tour

Yeah, I don't know, it was bright?