I've not been functioning very well. Angry, sad, overwhelmed, indifferent...sounds lovely, right? Last night, I needed space in the worst way. Physical space, brain space, emotional space...space of all kinds. I'd call it an "introvert emergency" resembling a volcano or deep fissures and fractures beneath the earth's crust.
I hate feeling this way. I scanned my book options offered in my myriad of piles and shelves around my house. I saw this book and knew. Bittersweet. Was there a better word to describe what was happening in my heart? Some bitter, some sweet, and whole lotta overwhelmed. I'm not really into zombie literature (I just can't, I'm sorry...the adulteration of Pride and Prejudice sealed the deal), but if I were into zombies, I think I could relate with the characters. My life feels hazy.
I grabbed Bittersweet, brewed some Celestial Seasonings white pear tea and headed to my beloved front porch. I read as my porch swing swayed gently, soothing my fractious heart. The writing met me. God used her words to calm my spirit that would not settle.
So many passages spoke to my heart. I'll relay her thoughts on waves (the ocean/lake kind) which I found very timely as I wrestle with change in my life and lives around me.
"...if you try to stand and face the wave, it will smash you to bits, but if you trust the water and let it carry you, there's nothing sweeter....If you dig in and fight the change you're facing, it will indeed smash you to bits. It will hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you.
"Every wave presents us with a choice to make, and quite often, unfortunately, I have stood, both resolute and terrified, staring down a wave. I have been smacked straight on with the force of the water, tumbled, disoriented, gasping for breath and for my swimsuit bottoms, and spit onto shore, embarrassed and sand-burned, standing up only to get knocked down again, refusing to float on the surface and surrender to the sea.
"There were also a few glittering, very rare moments of peace and sweetness, when I felt the goodness and familiarity of people who loved me, when God's voice sounded tender and fatherly to my ears, when I was able to release my breath and my fists for just a moment and float. And as I mine back through my heart and memories, I notice something interesting: the best moments of the last few years were the very rare moments when I've allowed these changes to work their way through my life, when I've lived up to my faith, when I've been able even for a minute to see life as more than my very own plan unfolding on my schedule, when I've practice acceptance, when I've floated instead of fought, when I've rested, even for a moment on the surface instead of wrestling the water itself. And those moments are like heaven."
~Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: thoughts on change, grace, and learning the hard way, p. 15, 19
I agree with Shauna: "Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and calluses on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity. It's courageous, gutsy, audacious, earthy."
So, I guess you can say I like this book. I'm off to enjoy a rare evening of peace and quiet (meaning that I am in my house ALONE.) Can you hear the Hallelujah chorus? Well, I can't because my house has a pristine silent melody going on.
I'm most definitely not out of my funk, but God is at work. I'll pray for grace to stop fighting the waves.
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